Can You Find a Serious Guy?

Dear Coco,

What is wrong with single men? I want a relationship that leads to marriage and kids, and at 34 I can’t afford to waste my time. Am I just really unlucky or do men stop their mental development after they get out of high school? They often want sex without a relationship (something I never do), or they are too busy with their careers. What do I have to do to be taken seriously? I haven’t dated a guy longer than a month in over three years. Is it possible in this day and age to find a man who wants to get serious?

End of my Rope

---

Dear Rope,

Take a few deep breaths. Your anxieties are turning you into the dating equivalent of a circus freak; it’s no wonder the men run screaming. If you want them to stick around you need to lighten up in a major way. Quit husband-hunting!

That’s right—all thoughts of wedding receptions and seating charts and monogrammed napkins are heretofore forbidden. Ditch the rules and make a decision to date for fun only. Do not think of trying to turn the men you date into husband—or even boyfriend-material; simply focus on whether you enjoy their company on that particular night. Date as many of them as you can at once, but if they ask if you want to go steady, shake your head wistfully and say, "You know, it’s not a good time for me…" You will seem fun and cool and perhaps slightly tragic, as though nursing some mysterious and impenetrable wound. Guys will desire you all the more, and one of them will fall in love with your freaky, circus-lady self.

Reprinted with permission via Match.com

Lesbian Online Dating Tips

Online dating is one thing – but being lesbian and looking to date online is another. While some of the same precautions that go with mainstream online dating apply, there are additional tips lesbians should consider before applying or responding to that tempting personal ad.

We’ll attempt to answer some of the most common questions surrounding online dating as it applies to the lesbian lifestyle.

Where is the best place to meet single lesbians online?

The best place to meet woman online is through LDate.com. Like most mainstream online dating sites, you can tell people how "out" you are. You can also share personal preferences on a variety of topics like whether you smoke or not, your drinking behavior, your political views, and there is a lot of space for you to share in your own words what you are looking for and what you aren’t. There have been several people who have reported success finding lesbian love on Yahoo Personals and Match.com.

What should you consider when placing an ad on a lesbian dating site?

Be positive. Avoid clichés everyone is looking for someone honest and with a good sense of humor! Write an eye-catching title. And, include a picture. Ads with photos get many more hits.

When is it safe to give your phone number out?

Always correspond through email or instant messenger before talking to someone on the phone. You can usually get a sense if I want to continue correspondence after an email or two. I would not give out a phone number until you are actually planning to meet someone.

Where are good places to conduct a first time meeting?

If you both drink, sometimes it’s nice to meet at a cozy bar. Try a casual meeting over coffee or a drink first. You don’t want to be stuck having an entire dinner with someone you can’t stand to be around after the first 10 minutes. If you don’t live in the same town, meet halfway. Always meet at a public place for the first meeting. And be honest! If you don’t want to see them again, just tell them that it was nice meeting them, and wish them good luck.

How do you determine if there will be a second date?

Just like any other relationship, you usually know when there is not going to be a second date. Now, there are some people who believe you should always have a second date, because it’s hard to really get a sense of someone in one meeting.

Other dating tips

Get to know the person online first. Ask questions, keep a log, ask the question in various versions to test for truthfulness. Talk on the phone, listen for inconsistencies – if there are none and your gut feeling is telling you to meet this person, go for it!

Be sure to tell a friend or family member of your meeting. Print out the persons profile and leave it on your table along with contact email and phone number of the person. This is always a safety precaution I recommend, lesbian or not.

Now, go have some fun!

Expert Flirting Tips

Some people are natural flirts, but what if you’re not one of those people? We’ve compiled 10 expert tips on flirting that even the most timid of singles can use.
10. Flirting is an attitude
A good flirt is self-confident and not afraid to take risks. Be enthusiastic and positive — it works!
9. Start a conversation
The best opening line is saying hello. Talk about the surroundings, ask a question, ask for help or state an opinion.
8. Have fun
Be playful, light-hearted and spontaneous. Show your vulnerability.
7. Use props
Never leave home without a prop. Props are natural conversation starters. They encourage conversation and others will be compelled to start talking to you. Great props include dogs, kids, unusual jewelry, a fabulous scent, a sweatshirt with your favorite passion, unusual ties, hats, or an interesting book or newspaper.
6. Be the host
Change your behavior from guest to host. You are not a passive person waiting around for romance; instead, you’re the welcome committee.
5. Make the first move
Move closer to the person you want to meet. Say hello.
4. Listen
You have two ears and one mouth because you should listen twice as much as you speak. Listening is a true art. Your flirting partner will be drawn to you. Everyone loves to be heard.
3. Eye contact
Please look your partner in the eye gently (no more than a few seconds) and then glance away. Don’t stare — it’s a turn off.
2. Compliment
Compliment your flirting partner. The best compliments have the element of surprise. The "flirtee" will know that you really noticed them. Remember, your compliments must be honest, sincere and genuine. When you receive a compliment, the best response is a simple "Thank you!"
1. Smile
It’s contagious. Smiling makes you so much more approachable. A smile lights up your face and draws people to you. You’ll be a people magnet.

This and other great dating articles can be found at Chemistry.com

Fran Greene is a freelance writer who often covers relationship issues.

Meeting Off-Line: How to Tell the Time is Right

Sure, the thrill of making a connection with someone online is exciting at first. He’s attractive, has a good job as a lawyer and whaddya know? He’s got a ferret, too. His is a Siamese, and yours is a Sable. But still, what are the chances? His email turns out to be witty and sincere:

ShrooBaby,

Hi. I’m new here, but I saw your picture and profile and thought we had a lot in common. Hey, what’s your Sable Ferret’s name? Mine’s Roxanne. Write me back when you get a chance,

Max (Headroom87)

Before you respond, you call in the cavalry—forwarding his profile to your four closest gal pals. Most have wonderful things to say like, "adorable," "great catch" and "love that picture of him on the beach." Bitter Vanessa says his ears are too big, but she’s probably just jealous he didn’t contact her.

With the votes counted, you write him back, eagerly telling him about your ferret, Beck, which stirs up a week’s worth of back-and-forth emails. You learn that he likes peanut butter but doesn’t like peanuts. He learns that you have a secret obsession with professional bowling.

Time to meet in person?
Will a face-to-face ruin the whole fantasy of your online match? Watch for these four signs you’re ready to take it off-line:

1. Sparks are flying
   Come on, even through innocent email flirting, you can tell if you guys are as a hot as Tungsten or as cold as, well, some other element in the periodic table. And if it’s sizzling online, just think what could happen without a computer between you.
2. Building anticipation
   Are you giddy every time you get an instant message? Are you disappointed if it’s just your friend Sally in the cube next to you? You know you’ve gotta see this guy in person, even if it’s just to satisfy your curiosity.
3. Marathon phone calls
   Maybe the two of you have already made the leap from cyberspace to cellphone. You enjoy talking to him so much that you’re not even agitated when he calls before 9:00 p.m., when all your minutes are free. You could spend the next week having long conversations reminiscent of your junior high days or you could play like a grown-up and go out on a real date.
4. Dropping names
   Has he asked you questions like, "Hey, have you tried Vito’s, that new Italian restaurant downtown?" and then not followed up with an official invite? He’s probably just testing the waters, and he’s obviously a little shy. Give him some help next time and reply with, "No, I haven’t, but we should go sometime."

If the signs are there and you decide to meet him off-line, plan your initial meeting in a public place. You could choose one of the restaurants he’s been name-dropping, or maybe even the pet store to browse for ferrets. Meeting someone online is a great way to screen prospective dates, but eventually you’ve got to move it off-line. And trust me, your cutie will be a lot cuddlier than that keyboard of yours.

First Dates: Dos and Don’ts To Create Chemistry

Tonight is the night: You’ve dressed in your finest, popped a breath mint, and are headed off to meet someone who could be The One. Few moments are as pivotal as this initial rendezvous, and that holds true whether you met online, were set up through friends, or swapped numbers at a bar last Saturday. So: How do you get that all-necessary chemistry crackling between you as quickly as possible? Believe it or not, it’s not all up to fate. Anthropologists, body language experts, and other pros say there are plenty of strategies you can use to help your date relax, to build rapport, and even to instill a flutter of excitement. Try these tactics for a few instant sparks.

Tip #1: Plan an activity that’ll get your heart racing—literally

There’s a reason scary movies make for great dates other than the excuse to squeeze someone’s hand: Frightening experiences get your pulse racing, adrenaline flowing, your face flushed—and these physiological responses bear a striking resemblance to sexual arousal. "The mind mistakes any sort of arousal for sexual attraction, and will attribute this excitement to whomever you’re with," says David Givens, Ph.D., an anthropologist at the Center for Nonverbal Studies. “In fact, in one study where men met women on a bridge high above rushing water, subjects were more attracted to each other than those who met elsewhere.” Not that we’re recommending you meet there exactly—roller-coaster rides or a hike up a steep woodland trail should do the trick. Even the sweat you work up while eating spicy food can get you hot under the collar for each other, so consider suggesting Mexican or Thai for dinner.

Tip #2: Mirror, mirror…your date

Want to convince the person sitting across from you that you two are totally on the same wavelength? Easy—just make a point of subtly mimicking their body position and the pacing of their movements, recommends Jay Arthur, author of Attracting Romance. "Sit the way your date is sitting, tilt your head the way he or she does, talk at the same speeds,” he suggests. On a subconscious level, people find similarity comforting, which paves the way for a stronger connection.

Tip #3: Dwell on pleasurable experiences

Sure, engaging your date in a lively debate about the pros and cons of the Patriot Act may be intellectually stimulating, but an intimate conversation isn’t about impressing someone with your smarts: It’s about getting your date to tap into his or her sensual side. So, steer clear of topics that involve facts and figures and get your honey mulling over more pleasurable thoughts instead. Questions like “Do you have any summertime vacations planned?” or “What would you say is the best meal you’ve ever had in this neighborhood?” will easily get you both in a better frame of mind to bond. "Talking about awe-inspiring experiences and the attached emotions — seeing the Grand Canyon, for instance — lets you relive them," explains Givens. “People get hyped up talking about something that excites them, and that emotion gets transferred to the person they’re with.”

Tip #4: Master your eye movements

Staring into someone’s eyes: It’s the oldest rule in the book. It indicates that you’re confident, honest, and interested in this person—all of which can make a date’s heart skip a beat. And yet, it can be hard for daters to do this move with finesse. Don’t worry, no one’s asking you to engage in a staring contest. In the world of eye contact, less is more. "Don’t immediately look away when feeling awkward,” says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. “Hold your date’s gaze for one extra second—that’s all you need to do.” If you’re having trouble, try shifting your attention to their eyebrows instead; it’s close enough that your date will still feel like you’re focused on him or her. Next, try this advanced technique: Let your gaze occasionally “dance” from one of your date’s eyes to the other, back and forth, which conveys excitement and creates a flirtatious mood.

Tip #5: Don’t feel compelled to get touchy-feely

Eventually, if all goes well, physical contact—hand-holding, hugging, kissing, and much racier stuff—will naturally happen and will cement a bond between you. But at this early stage, all too often it can backfire. If your date isn’t ready for contact yet—either stiffening when you move in or turning the dreaded cheek when you go for a kiss—it can be hard to recover your composure and the date’s good vibes. The key is to let your date know you’re “in like” but not push too hard on the physical front. Your best bet for your first encounter is something sweet but not gropey. If a handshake’s your style, put a cozy twist on it by clasping your date’s palm in one hand and putting your other hand on top, warmly encircling their wrist. Or, try a seamless handshake-to-hug combo by grasping your date’s hand, pulling him or her slightly toward you and encircling your other arm around your date’s torso. To further cut the tension, say something like, “I had such a great time and am so glad we did this.” And unless you’re getting clear signs your date’s dying to be kissed—as in, he or she remains in your personal space with a smile and lots of direct eye contact—resist the urge to plant one on the lips or even the cheek. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of time for that later. And hey, you’re always better off leaving your date with something to look forward to.

Starting planning your first date with Chemistry.com

Ways to Share a Health Secret

Dating someone new is all about learning each other’s quirks and uncovering any emotional baggage that is being carried. But when should you reveal a health issue like diabetes or a skin condition?

Here are a few tips on sharing those little secrets without scaring your date away:

Practice what you want to say – Before you have any talk, rehearse your speech in the mirror and then on a trusted friend. Take their feedback and adjust your talk accordingly.

Never ever tell on the first date – Sharing something so intimate and private on a first date can’t possibly have a favorable outcome

Be casual and confident – By not making a big deal of it and by sharing in a confident manner – your date will feel more confident in receiving the talk

Location, location, location – By selecting a neutral zone such as a coffee shop or snack shop, you are placing the person in a comfortable setting where they won’t feel as though they’re being held as a captive audience.

Have you ever shared a secret with your date? How did you tell them and how did it go?

Dating with Confidence

Dating can be a nerve-wracking experience for many people. After all, you could be meeting your future spouse. It can also be a very vulnerable experience. The whole point of dating (usually) is to get to know someone else on an intimate level, or at least beginning this process. For whatever reason, and there are many, most people want to make a good first impression. At the very least, most people want to avoid rejection. Dating is a prime opportunity for this by its very nature. Whether you’re looking for a fun night out or a long term relationship, rejection can occur either way, and it can be difficult to deal with. Self-doubt can come in many forms, from questioning one’s intelligence and one’s looks to one’s ability to tell a good joke. Dating puts it all out there.

How can you increase your confidence when it comes to dating? There are a few things you can do, and certain methods are more appropriate for some people than others.

First Things First

A date is just a date. It is not the rest of your life. Yes, you may meet your future spouse, but this is far beyond the scope of the date. At this point, no matter how desperate you are to wanting to finally settle down, focus only on the date. Putting more pressure on it makes it harder for both of you. The other person is likely to sense your "desperation" (for lack of a better word), and you end up putting way to much pressure on yourself. Instead, try focusing on the date itself, not where it may or may not lead. Enjoy the time together, or, if you don’t, try to avoid blaming yourself and going into the litany of self-talk that tries to convince you that you’re not worth dating, you’ll never find someone, and that you’ll be single for the rest of your life.

Just Be Yourself

Yes, you’ve heard it many times before, and there’s a good reason for it. If you do hit it off with the other person, it’s best if this happens when you’re being true to yourself. If you’re "faking" it, you’re then faced with coming forward and facing humiliation, rejection, or both, or continuing the facade. This takes a lot of effort, it’s dishonest, and you can’t keep it up for very long anyway. So whatever your faults, try not to hide them too much. This doesn’t mean that you put them all out on the table on the first date, but it also means that you don’t go to extreme measures trying to hide them or pretending to be something or someone you’re not.

Step Outside Yourself

To help deal with your insecurities about yourself, try focusing on the other person. Show a genuine interest in what he or she has to say. Be honest and courteous in your responses. Let the other person have the spotlight. Not only does this help keep you from focusing on your insecurities, it also helps accomplish what dates are meant to do–get to know someone else better. Ask questions, listen to the answers, and then ask more. Talk about common interests when you find them. Above all, try to avoid talking about yourself the whole time or worrying too much about how you look, what you’re saying, and what type of impression you’re making.

Try Something Different

If the idea of sitting through a quiet dinner with someone you barely know makes you break out into a sweat, consider dating activities that involve a bit more involvement. Take a tour through a garden, go rollerblading, or do some other activity that keeps you moving. If you have something to do, you can focus less on feeling awkward and more on the conversation. It helps keep the atmosphere lighter as well, which can make you both feel more comfortable and confident.

Online Dating vs. Real Dating

There are websites, which are primarily created to connect singles over the internet. These sites use terms like online dating and dating online to draw single people to their sites to connect with other singles.

In reality, what does the term online dating really mean, do you think is it possible to date someone online? Can someone have a healthy dating life when it only exists on the internet? Is it possible to truly know someone if you’ve only known them through online dates and does this count as a ‘real’ date?

Humans have a desire for companionship and at some point in our life time we all seek to find it. In years past there were (Mail Order Brides), this concept of finding a mate is still in use men can go online and find a bride from another country. There are couples from other countries that never see each other until the actual wedding. So whether you consider meeting someone online as a pen pal or online dating that is entirely up to you.

There are those that think finding a mate online is taboo. In actuality when you join a singles online dating site you are given the opportunity to find out anything you want to know about a person, before you actually meet. All you need to know is where they went to school and where they work then go online and do your own search and you will know all about them.

Generally, dating online usually refers to the process of meeting people for potential dates online, or through an internet dating service. The online dating services usually provide some help and guidance in matching members that are the most suitable for one another. You are at liberty to look for suitable matches for online dating on these sites as well.

Online dating services act as an arena for individual singles to come together and find other people interested in pursuing the same types of relationships. It is up to the individual to use caution before giving out to much information about them self.

There are thousands of lonely people and people that do not have time to go out into public to find a mate. These people find online dating sites are there answer to finding the right person for themselves.

Accepting New Partners Child

Single mothers are generally very cautious when it comes to dating, they do not normally date just anyone. Single mothers usually want to get to know the person before introducing them to their children.

If a couple dates for a while and the relationship starts to become more serious, the children should be introduced into the picture. The new partner needs to understand that there will be sacrifices in the relationship due to the demands that go with having children. A new partner needs to be realistic do not pretend children will not have an effect on the relationship. While you are dating, children will limit the time you can spend together. There will be certain times the relationship will be placed on hold because of their illness or certain activities.

Children will play a major role in your relationship, if you want to become a part of this family you have to win their acceptance as well as their confidence. Children are not easily fooled they will know right away if you are going to be a compatible addition to their family.

There are ways of showing children that you are not a threat to them, you can start by telling them that you are not trying to take their fathers place and you will never hurt them or their mother. Make dates including the children take them to a park a zoo or movie let them know you want them to be happy with you becoming a part of their family.

Learn the children’s habits, likes and dislikes and certain behavior problems so that you will be ready for any discussion concerning these points with your new partner.

You should also be mindful and show appropriate behavior in front of the children, for example be careful about displaying physical affection for your partner when a child is around. Do not do anything in front of the children that would embarrass either of you.

Searching for Friendship or Dates

In today’s world many people meet over the internet this is an excellent way to meet people from around the world. Many friendships have started this way, in some cases after talking to each other over a period of time people will agree to meet in person. The safest way to meet someone for the first time is to meet them in a public such as a restaurant for a lunch date. After meeting someone in person you are more likely to know if you want to date them or not.

Just because someone places a picture on the Web, doesn’t mean that is what they look like. The picture could be an old one, or it may not even be the person you are talking to at all. Before you agree to meet someone you need to check that person out, you can find out just about anything you want to know on the Web just search. Where do they work and live, are they married and what are their likes and dislikes. After talking to someone for a while you will get to know more about them and what they are really like.

The most important thing to remember is to make sure you are truthful about yourself, just like you want others to be with you. Remember there will usually come a time when one or the other of you will want to meet in person. It is human to want to attract a date, so temptation is very great to embellish things a bit and to say in your description that you are young “voluptuous” and “attractive” when actually you are overweight and middle aged.

An important thing to remember is that there are people of all shapes, sizes and ages looking for that certain someone just like you are. Be honest look for sites such as those for Queen sized women, people over 40 or whatever applies to you, that special someone may be out there.

There are sites at your disposal for checking on someone such as (publicbackgroundcheck), (usa-people-search) and (peoplefinders) these sites are easily found and most of them will walk you through your search.

Once you have made up your mind as to what you want, finding someone on the internet to date, have a relationship with or just have a friendship with you are on your way.

If you are looking for old friends such as classmates, there are lots of websites that specialize in helping you find friends from the past. Some of these sites can be found using words such as “classmates”, “reunions”, “public records” or names along these lines friends from the past, from school, Armed Forces or previous jobs. You need to be specific with your word choice when looking for a friend from the past there are more than 46,000,000 sites to choose from.

eHarmony.com actually has the best reviews by it’s members in that many state the members are truthful in their photos and profiles.

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