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Respect Begets Love and Love Begets Respect

Gayla — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 10:00:00 +0000

When couples are fighting and alienating each other, the disconnect in the relationship often has to do with love and respect. I have seen this many times in my work with couples. I also recognize it as I reflect on my own life. But more of that later . . .

There are often subtle differences between a man and a woman in what they take away from an interaction. The keyword is "subtle" so be careful. It is too easy to slip into the trap of thinking that "all men are . . . " or "all women are . . . "

With that caveat, subtle differences between the emotional makeup of men and women can get us into a lot of trouble. Both men and women need love. Both men and women need respect. But in balance, the need for respect is stronger in men and the need for love is stronger in women.

How does this play out between a man and woman who love each other? In the early stages of the relationship, she knows by his behavior he respects her, but her thinking is focused on, "He really loves me." It is obvious to him that she loves him, but he is thinking, "She really likes me," that is to say, "She respects who I am as a person."

Then life happens — work, babies, money problems, etc. One day they both come home from work tired. He leaves her to make dinner while he relaxes with a drink. She feels a little unloved and is mildly critical of his failure to help or at least offer to. He gets defensive. Then he stonewalls and refuses to discuss anything. He does what she tells him to do, but in silence.

The exchange has left her feeling unloved by someone she loves deeply. He always helps when he’s asked, but why doesn’t he initiate anything? She experiences his silent stonewalling as withdrawal of love.

The exchange has left him feeling unliked and disrespected, although he never doubts her love for him. He shut up to prevent the argument from escalating. He had felt respected all day for his competent performance at work, but now at home he experiences her criticism as disrespect and dislike for him as a man.

I have heard women say, "I knew it was over when he said ‘I don’t love you’." I might dismiss this as being a bit melodramatic, except that one time 40-some years ago, my wife said to me, "I don’t respect you." The emotional impact on me was profound. As I look back, I can see how that simple statement marked the beginning of the end for that marriage.

The "love versus respect" issue needs some respect . . . and love.

Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada, with a focus on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide. Get a copy of his free report "Codependency and Alcohol Addiction" at http://neillneill.com.

The After Date Phone Call

Gayla — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:00:00 +0000

For years, the question of “the after date phone call” has been the primary focus of many discussions that occur between men and their buds or women and their gal pals.

In general, men seem to believe that a three day rule be applied to calling a woman following a date. Apparently they feel that three days is plenty of time to show they are interested while not appearing overly pushy or desperate.

Women, on the other hand seem to worry more. It’s in their nature really. During that three days waiting, most women, though they know men a secretly adhering to that three day rule, will begin to question the potential of this relationship.

Women will often feel that if the man were interested enough, he would break the three day rule for her.

So here it is, a space that’s being made totally available to men and women to state their views on The After Date Phone Call.

Is Internet Porn Cheating?

Gayla — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:34:59 +0000

Straight from the relationship professional himself – Dr. Phil

Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here’s what Dr. Phil believes:

It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it’s gone too far.
Pornography isn’t real, it’s a fantasy. It’s makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It’s also somebody’s daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She’s demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she’s being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It’s not healthy, it’s not natural and it’s not normal.
Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.

Ask yourself or your partner:

Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It’s harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It’s just the Internet"?
Does it intrude on your relationship?
Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?

Getting Engaged – Is there such a thing as perfect timing?

Gayla — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 13:18:56 +0000

One of the best sex and relationship columnists going, Dan Savage at Nerve responded to a gal the other day who was asking about engagement – talking engagement and moving in together.

You were discussing marriage at three months?

The fact that he would bring up marriage so early, and the fact that you didn’t laugh in his face, disqualifies you both from obtaining a marriage license. (Okay, it doesn’t — but it should.) Three months — eight months, sixteen months — is way too soon to be discussing marriage. Sure, you can allow yourself to be swept away by new love, you can crush out on each other, you can sheepishly admit that you’ve allowed yourself to daydream about marriage — so long as that admission is immediately followed by this statement: “But I realize it’s way too soon to even think about it seriously…” But you absolutely, positively should NOT be making plans to marry, small ceremonies or large, courthouse or St. Paul’s Cathedral, at eight f**king months; nor should you attempt to hold him — or anyone else — to a premature “commitment” to wed.

I’ll give – three months is awfully quick to be discussing marriage. Though I’ve been there, done that. I had a man want to put a ring on my finger in mere weeks – but I think that was more of a territorial thing than an “engagement” thing – but 16 months is far too long in my opinion.

I’ve always believed a year is a good timeframe to work with before becoming engaged or getting married. This allows the couple to process through all four seasons – you can see how your partner maneuvers through those seasons, observe the activities they enjoy during those times – how they handle the holidays – how they handle meeting your extended family and much more.

That’s not to say there are some relationships that can withstand an early engagement and commitment – because I know couples who married after a couple months of dating – and they’re still together 20+ years later.

As long as you’ve weathered some of the best and worst of times – seen each other at both worst and best, survived a long trip away together and have endured a crisis or two – then you might just have what it takes to endure marriage for the long haul.

It’s important that each person is honest about finances too. That being the biggest relationship killer – don’t ever expect love to be strong enough to survive a surprise credit score that hinges on the side of despair.

Bret Michaels & Kristi Gibson Engaged