People with sexual performance anxiety are more likely to cheat on their partners. That’s just one of the curious findings of a new study by a University of Guelph professor on the factors that predict infidelity.

Men who are risk-takers or easily sexually aroused are also more likely to wander; for women, relationship issues are stronger predictors of unfaithfulness.
The study, published recently in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour, is the first to look at how demographics, interpersonal factors and sexual personality affect infidelity.

For both men and women, personality characteristics and interpersonal factors are more relevant predictors than are religion, marital status, education or gender.
"Few studies on infidelity have gone beyond exploring demographics," said Robin Milhausen, a professor and sexuality researcher in Guelph’s Department of Family Relations and Applied Nutrition who conducted the study with Kristen Mark and Erick Janssen of Indiana University.

"This research shows that demographic variables may not influence decision-making as much as previously thought – that personality matters more, especially for men."

The study involved 506 men and 412 women who reported being in monogamous sexual relationships lasting from three months to 43 years. Participants were asked to report on demographic variables such as religion, education and income. They also completed scales that measured sexual personality variables and answered questions about their relationships.

The study found little difference in rates of infidelity reported by men and women (23 and 19 per cent, respectively). But different things predicted the behaviour for men and women.

For men, significant predictors of infidelity are personality variables, including propensity for sexual excitation (becoming easily aroused by many triggers and situations) and concern about sexual performance failure.

The latter finding might seem counterintuitive, Milhausen said, but other studies have also found this connection. "People might seek out high-risk situations to help them become aroused, or they might choose to have sex with a partner outside of their regular relationship because they feel they have an ‘out’ if the encounter doesn’t go well – they don’t have to see them again."

For women, relationship happiness is paramount. Women who are dissatisfied with their relationship are more than twice as likely to cheat; those who feel they are sexually incompatible with their partners are nearly three times as likely.

"All kinds of things predict infidelity," Milhausen said. "What this study says is that when you put all of those things together, for men, personality characteristics are so strong, they bounce everything else out of the model. For women, in the face of all other variables, it’s still the relationship that is the most important predictor."

Milhausen cautions against misinterpreting or overemphasizing the study’s findings. "Taken at face value, this research might seem to just support sexual stereotypes: Women are just concerned about the relationship, and, for men, once a cheater, always a cheater, regardless of their relationship. But the caveat is that there are a lot of variants and factors that are not explained here that might impact whether someone cheats."

Still, knowing that sexual personality characteristics – and, for women, relationship factors – are strong predictors suggests directions for therapeutic interventions, she said.

Milhausen, who joined U of G in 2006 did her PhD at Indiana University, home of the renowned Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction, where co-author Janssen is a researcher. Mark, the study’s lead author and a PhD student at Indiana’s University Centre for Sexual Health Promotion, is Milhausen’s former graduate student.

Via Medical News Today

It’s no big secret that I have been married twice, divorced twice and cheated on twice. Seems I have a real knack for attracting men with a cheating heart.

People often dish up the age old advice of not carrying old emotional baggage into a new relationship, but when you’ve been cheated on, how can you truly trust again?

I remember the days of opening up the bank statement and finding the cheapest, sleaziest local motel had charged our account on a Saturday night when I knew full good and well the father of my kids was not home.

I remember the day that an overwhelming feeling of deception poured over me when I checked my second husbands email to find that he’d been engaging in not one, but several, married and looking casual encounters dating sites and had even arranged a meet with one woman.

I’m sad to say, that lack of trust has poured over into my new relationship and while there are many times I trust him more than life itself, there have been a few episodes that lead me to wonder if I’ve attracted yet, another cheating heart.

Technology can be a terrible thing. It can build your suspicions in a way that eats at you like a cancer.

I make it a habit to check the history on my computers for possible hacking as well as monitoring the two teenage boys I have in the house. There has been a few occasions that I have found searches, traces of email contact (without content) and peeking at personal ads (without a membership) that obviously belonged to my boyfriend and not my kids. To date I have encountered a handful of questionable episodes for which he has a believable excuse.

It’s my belief that people, whether man or woman, are easily tempted. People make mistakes. By engaging in certain acts, it can sometimes place a person in the position of temptation they may not be strong enough to reject. It’s that lack of willpower that I concern myself with most.

I believe there is a big difference between secrecy and privacy.

Privacy is something that is mine – something I am interested in, no one else in the house might be – I share my thoughts and engage in friendly exchanges but keep a very defined line drawn on what is appropriate behavior. Basically I don’t do or say anything I would not want my man doing.

Secrecy is something that is destructive. Secrets are painful to keep, painful to share and pose a real threat to a relationship. If a person is engaging in an act and their partner were to find out about it, that’s wrong.

There can be nothing stronger nor weaker than the human will and when you commit to a relationship with another person, you should have mastered strong will.

I have to wonder though – how much privacy is good in a relationship?

Would you offer up your email passwords to your partner or is that something kept private?

Per an email question I received from a reader, I asked the question on Facebook and Twitter – and now I’m asking you!

I was online the other night and decided to read some personal ads on Yahoo Personals. Reading them made for some interesting reading and really I was just curious. The next day my girlfriend was online and by way of our browsing history she saw the site I was on and was able to see which ads I clicked on. She is really hurt and angry with me. I keep trying to explain to her I was just curious but she just doesn’t believe me. I don’t understand why she is getting so upset over this. I never planned to actually contact anyone, I don’t have a profile and won’t have one either. She says that if you are in a committed relationship then there should be no reason at all to be looking at personal ads. Why is she so mad?

My question to Facebook and Twitter was:

What would you do/should you do if you discovered your spouse/significant other was browing personal ad sites?

The responses were:

Response via Twitter simply resulted in the advice to let them continue, monitor the activity to see if it was a one time thing or something more to worry about.

Personally – I don’t think I would have a problem with it if my significant other was forthright with their activity. But to just leave the evidence for his partner to find and then left to imagine what took place or what the motive was leaves room for doubt and bruises the trust in the relationship.

As for sitting back, monitoring the activity, well, I just couldn’t do that. To me, it seems like that the seed of doubt has been planted, not addressing it right away leaves room for the doubt to grow and the damage to penetrate deeper.

As for Mr. Entertained by Personal Ads – I think positive predictability goes a long way. If he is honest with his partner, tells her when and if he visits the sites, pokes fun at some of what he read, but lets her know she the most beautiful and desirable of all – she might just be a little more understanding and forgiving.

What are your thoughts?

Earlier today I asked the question on Facebook -

“Do you believe if a person has to ask if their partner is cheating, they already know the answer?”

For the most part, many say trust your intuition, while others say be wary of emotional scarring from relationships gone by.

I have to wonder, where exactly do you draw the line between privacy and secrecy? When it comes to communications with other people, when do those communications cross the threshold into inappropriate?

Let’s say both people agreed to see each other exclusively – Partner A approaches Partner B wishing to discuss feelings of concern based on nothing more than intuition (and maybe a little white lie from long ago). Partner B dances around the topic, ultimately leaving Partner A’s mind and heart in an uneasy state, does that provide justification for the unsettled partner to investigate by whatever means to find the source of these uneasy feelings?

At the moment, I’m finding myself struggling with a lack of trust. Having been in not one, but two marriages that ended as the result of infidelity, I wonder how much of my ‘intuition’ is clouded by a history of misplaced trust? Don’t get me wrong, “A” is a wonderful man and I truly believe he is worthy of 98% of my trust – however, I believe everyone is capable of making a mistake – so the other 2% I dedicate to that chance.

I know, some will say it takes time to heal – but having been single for 8 years between the two marriages, I can say, without pause, time does not heal the wounds left by an unfaithful partner. For me, it’s more a matter of finding a partner who will consider those wounds and avoid reinjuring them, at all cost.

One of the responses I received to my Facebook call was:

If you are feeling a little something…and your partner won’t talk to you when you ask directly, I do not feel it remains a moral issue to ‘snoop’…because you have your sexual health and any ties you have together to consider.

Now, let’s say the uneasy partner does go “snooping” and uncovers nothing of any great concern – how much damage is this going to inject in the heart of this relationship?

Seems to me, the perfect example of the proverbial double-edged sword. No?

Then again, if the “snooping” results in something that causes even greater concern, how do you approach your partner and share with them the fact that you went snooping through their private space?

Sounds like it would be much easier to just cut bait and run doesn’t it? But try telling that to the heart! Last I checked my heart had no ears and heard nothing when it came to sound advice on the topic of love.

Please do sound off – my heart may not be listening at the moment, but when the time comes that it does, I’d like to have some solid advice to latch on to.

AshleyMadison.com, the world’s largest infidelity dating service announced last year that their membership base has doubled in a single year.  The website went from 1 million members to an impressive 2 million members!

To celebrate this milestone, Ashley Madison has offered their 2 millionth member, Hillary08, 2 million free credits. This massive and wide-spread growth means that attached men and women can easily connect with other like-minded adults in their local area, making Ashley Madison the #1 site for extra-marital affairs.

“Infidelity isn’t on the rise, it’s just shifting from the office to online,” said Noel Biderman, Avid Dating Life Inc. President and CEO.

Well that sure is a big relief. It’s nice to know there aren’t more cheaters in the world then there were before.

From a Date1411 Reader asking for the advice of others:

I’ve been dating a man for just over a year and in the last few weeks I’ve had a horrible gut feeling that something just isn’t right. Following my instinct, I checked his cell phone while he was in the shower. Sure enough there was something to be concerned about.

What I found was an exchange of messages between he and another woman. It was obvious something more than friendship was going on.

My problem is that If I reveal to him that I know, I also reveal that I’ve been snooping. That’s not such a good thing. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for snooping, but I do.

I need some advice on how to approach this problem or even if I should. Sometimes I feel like I should just tell him I don’t trust him and when there’s a lack of trust, there’s nothing worth having.

Help!

Guilty Snooper

Have advice for Snooper? Leave your tips in the comment section. Have a question you’d like to ask us or our readers? Leave a comment in this section. Comments will not be approved and will be used for Date1411 advice only.

Question from a Reader asking for the advice:

I have a close personal friend who has grown so serious over a certain girl that he’s considering proposing to her soon. I’d hoped he would find out on his own that she has cheated on him several times. That doesn’t seem to be the case and I’m afraid he’s going to get even deeper in something that will end up hurting him much worse.

Should I tell him what I know?

I’ve actually been in a similar situation before and opted to go to the significant other first asking that they not place you in the position of having to tell. Let the S.O. know that one way or the other, your friend will find out about the escapades on the side and he’d probably take it much better from his S.O. then from a friend.

Honesty is always the best approach and when a partner unveils something so painfully and brutally honest, it says a lot for their character.

Perhaps the couple had an agreement held privately that they were seeing other people?

There could be any number of reasons and rather than being the one caught with the egg on your face, try going to the S.O. first.

Anyone else have a better idea?

I’ve always been of the belief that a little bit of absence can help you appreciate your partner. It can be a good thing to know you are with someone you actually miss when they are away, however, too much can be and often is dangerous.

Relationships need connection. If you don’t see each other enough, you can begin to lead separate lives more often. I remember hearing once that couples that begin to vacation apart, grow apart. It is challenging enough to stay connected in today’s world, in the best of circumstances, and can become even more so when you aren’t spending time together.

How many times have you watched couples start spending time apart and suddenly that absence makes one or both hearts go roaming? People need the comfort and security of steady intimacy. This means being around the other person to reinforce all the reasons why you’re in the relationship to begin with.

Many relationships are far too fragile to handle the stress of absence, because even in a world that is so technology driving and so overly connected, phone calls or text messages just can’t substitute the comfort of real conversation and togetherness.

Anyone who has ever been involved in a relationship with someone and not married has wondered about infidelity and at what level does interaction with others become cheating.

The definition of infidelity in the dictionary is: "marital unfaithfulness or an instant of it."

Certainly cheating can and often does occur outside the marital bond, right?

I believe cheating occurs when two people make a promise to each other be committed to the relationship between them.

It’s most important that both parties agree to be faithful. In early stages of relationship, some people assume the other person is not having sex or even relations with anyone else because they are having sex and developing a relationship. Many hearts have been broken and souls jaded with this assumption.

Communication is key. It is important that you and your partner discuss your personal expectations within your own relationship. Typically, people recommend this happen when the relationship becomes sexual. I agree! I think it’s important that if you are having sex that you know your true risk.

Also it’s important to discuss what cheating means to you. Is it cheating to flirt? Is it cheating to kiss another? Is cyber-flirting or people shopping via dating sites cheating?

A solid rule of thumb that was suggested to me early on in my single and dating life was “if you participate in something that you must keep secret from your partner because it will make them angry or hurt them, it’s wrong.” The same can hold true for what it means to cheat.

Does your significant other share your views on cheating and infidelity?

I’ve always known that all men have an eye for an attractive women, but when the guy ogles darned near every women he passes and makes his significant other feel inferior to some degree – there’s a problem.

There’s a huge difference between casually admiring beauty and rubbernecking to the point of disrespect.

What men fail to realize, and ladies correct me if I’m wrong, is that when a man has a roving-eye for women it makes us women feel as though we are continuously competing for our partner’s attention. And while the most confident of women can handle a little competition and humorous exchanges surrounding the ogling, it does get old – and quick.

I know men will be men and they are visual creatures – but even I like to have my man treat me as though I’m the only woman in the world.

Men should really learn how to observe respectfully and keep their mouth shut if they wish to hang on to a woman.

If the woman said she wants a man who is honest – she didn’t mean to this degree! Seriously!